I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
