Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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