sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize