3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
