his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
