3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
