Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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