i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
