My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
