Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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