I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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