bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
