I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
