i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
