I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
