Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize