In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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