dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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