I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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