Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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