Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
