im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
