3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize