Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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