Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
