This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
