He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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