I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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