Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
