I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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