Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
