you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
