why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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