He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
