i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
