Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Randomize
