So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
