What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
why do cheetos always look like penises
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
COCAINE IS GR8
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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