she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
