how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
