yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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