so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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