And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
