He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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