so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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