I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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