The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
