I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
