apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
