She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
