You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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