tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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