I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
false alarm, still single
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
