I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
