boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
