I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
