No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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