My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
