we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
How's work?
Spinning.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Someone came in the potted fern
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
