You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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