today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i dont even know how to be here
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
