Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
