Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
