I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
